absolutely nothing

i've come to the point where i feel like trying is pointless. yes i do feel mad sometimes but i can't force someone to love me even though a slightest bit. i know he can't, i mean who am i to him. i've held on to him for far too long, a part of me wants to move on and another part of me wants to give it a chance maybe he could. i already know what would the answer be but i don't know why am i so stupid, i keep on trying, i keep doing the same old shit that might end up hurting myself. he is great. but i know it was my fault i was causing the pain. those scenarios, those imaginations, those pictures in my head. i was the one who is causing the pain it wasn't him. he was just trying to be nice and friendly. i can't like anyone, i'm afraid that i might get hurt or even worse. that feeling i feel for him was something really amazing to feel. he's a great friend, but the way i see him was something more than a friend which is ridiculous cause wtf syafiqah...

i am tired of people asking me why i do it, asking me to stop doing it, asking me to be normal. i didn't know where did this came from, in the first moment we moved here it suddenly just came out of nowhere. i didn't asked for it i never did. i tried to stop but i just couldn't i tried to be normal as you wish but i just couldn't. i'm sorry if i let you down, ashamed you. trust me i am trying to figure out how to stop this. it kills me when you ask me why, when you say that i'm not normal. among all of them i am the most problematic one, i just don't know how to stop. just once i just want you to understand what am i facing its like a dull knife stabbing me. i compare myself to everyone, to see how normal they are see how perfect you see them. i just want you to understand. forgive me for not being a good daughter, not being a good sister. i can't bear it alone, nobody knows how i really feel i just need someone to understand but i know that no one could...

there is actually time when i feel you know i belong to someone but most of the time i feel like the chances for me to be with him is zero percent or maybe negative. i know there is nothing left to hope but i keep on doing it. hoping that he'll notice, hoping that he'll feel the same way when i know he couldn't and he will never. well it was my mistake hoping too much on something beyond my league. it's the idea of being in love is really amazing but it hurts like hell, i know i'm like fifteen live the life. i am trying my best. it is so complicated, why do i pick people who never notice my effort, my existence. sometimes i feel like i am such an asshole questioning things when i simply deserve this. but this life i'm living in i need to change it. happiness is always a choice, better life is always a choice. i'm not expecting god to change my own fate if i don't change my fate i might lead to nowhere. change is never easy, i know but at least i could gi...

i know it's hard, i know it's tough. i know you feel like giving up sometimes but please don't do the things that might hurt yourself. just believe that he is in a better place now and you need to be strong for yourself, your family especially your mum. i believe everything happens for a reason and it will get better soon. don't worry you have us, if you need a shoulder to cry on take ours. it hurts to see you're in pain especially when i can't take the pain away. wipe that tears off your face, your father doesn't want to see you're in pain. i know it hurts really bad to loose someone who has left a big impact in your life, but you need to be strong sayang. things will get better soon and always remember; لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (Qur’an,   2:286 ) for the one and only, shadatul syahirah. chin up sayang insyaallah there is a way to end the pain.

this is stupid. i feel angry, disappointed, mad, sad mixed feelings tau jangan bagi aku benci kau satu je aku mintak. jangan. sbb aku taknak benci kau

never was i a first choice, never was i needed by anyone , never was i mentioned when i'm not there, never was i anyone's best friend, never was my existence be appreciated by others, never was i exist. never.

those midnight thoughts, those countless dreams, those reckless memories, those nights i spent just thinking about what is going to happen next. those memories i spent with you. yea here's a funny thing once i fall for someone i fall really hard it's stupid because i've fallen into a big hole a lot of times but i just don't know how to give up. i keep on trying, keep on climbing up, keep on doing the same old thing that might hurt me. i know i have to help myself, i've tried loving someone else, i've tried countless times. i lost hope on this moving on thingy. i don't even think it's real. i stand upon everything and just watch you with a million of girls line up to have you and there i am standing beside you just wanting you to noticed me. once just once. i stayed although i know there's no hope left, which is stupid. but i still stayed and if you said that no one would want to stay for you that hurt me so much. i don't want you to feel the same...