---fast foward
It has been so long since I last updated but guess what? I'm finally sitting for spm. It's only been a week, I have like 2 weeks left to go. These 5 months there were some nice and some bad memories. I wish I update this more often like I used too.
Let's get started---
On august, I went to his house. It was an eid open house. Which pretty much not a big thing if you get invited pun? But I could not interpret it into words how I felt that day. Seeing him again, talking to him again was too good to be true. Last time I saw him was particularly like 1 or 2 years ago? We do talk pretty much often on internet. Seeing him again, looking into his eyes...it felt as if it's a dream I would never want to be waken up with.
On september, I made my mind to stop myself from talking about him. There was a day where I promised not to even think about him nor even to talk to him ever again. There I was buying some vegetables at a local pasar malam. Honestly, I was searching for him in big crowds (i'm not surprised myself) "Mmm, I wonder if he's here", "What would it be like", I said to myself. Then, he was in front of me there were big crowds so I hid myself behind my mother. But my mother wanted to look through some fruits and was standing just right next to him. I didn't say hi, I couldn't. I thought he would noticed. But that would be a miracle if he did. On that day I cried like a helpless person begging god to take my feelings for him with Him. I never felt so broken. I asked myself "If this feeling is from god, Himself then why does it hurt?", and also to my friends as well. I wanted to send these "hey I think I saw you just now", messages to him. With my shaking hands, teary eye and heart scattered into pieces I pressed send. He said he did noticed me as well but it was just a glimpse and he apologized for not being alert. I promised my friends that I would never talk about him again, I kept my promise and only talk to myself about it.
Saying words like "You will eventually be fine", "You are stronger than this!", "Stop, stop keep yourself busy", are the only thing that can make myself feel better. I, myself is making me feel better. I promised, I don't want to break them. I don't want to be a burden to everyone for such a petty problem. I don't find it a problem but for me to whine for me to get sad over him and telling my friends about it when
they have bigger things to be taken care of made me feel as if it's a petty problem to be thinking about.
I pretty much don't have anything to talk about on
June, July and October.
Let's just fast forward to november. It has been a week since november started. How is it? To be frank, I never felt this hurt over the past 17 years of living. My dad is hospitalized. It's funny when I thought he was going to send me to school on my first day of spm and say things like "Buat betul betul paper tu", "Harini habis pukul berapa?", (when I told him for about like the 10th time already). It is nothing serious, alhamdulillah but he was always healthy. Like no bacteria would ever hurt him. He was my kind of superhero but this time he got hurt really bad. Then it hit me the fact that my dad is getting old. I see him every day but it never occur me that my dad is getting old. He gets tired easily, he gets sleepy easily and he lost so much weight. I do know that he ages but it was unexpected. To see others on the range of my dad's age getting hospitalized made me
scared. I mean he could leave me one day and he does I don't want to experience the feeling. When my cousin died seeing his body on a mattress with a white clothing wrapped around him was the most indescribable feeling ever. Every time I look at my parents' face I keep imagining what would it look like when they are lying wrapped in white clothing, closing their eyes and not reacting to what's going on. It is such a scary thing I don't want it to happen I
want them to stay with me, watch me grow and watch me be successful. All I want him is to be as healthy as he was before. My parents' health matters so much. If I could give my health to make them more healthier I would but I couldn't. If I could give everything to them I would if I were to sacrifice my life for them I would. I just hope that things will be
better soon. Just like how they used to be. Just us seven laughing over everything and laughing over my stupidity. Wouldn't that be perfect. Just us seven.
Pretty much to wrap it all up. Things are getting
worse each day. 2015 it's not my year.... I hate this
year. I hate it so much and how I wish it would end faster.
Let's get started---
On august, I went to his house. It was an eid open house. Which pretty much not a big thing if you get invited pun? But I could not interpret it into words how I felt that day. Seeing him again, talking to him again was too good to be true. Last time I saw him was particularly like 1 or 2 years ago? We do talk pretty much often on internet. Seeing him again, looking into his eyes...it felt as if it's a dream I would never want to be waken up with.
On september, I made my mind to stop myself from talking about him. There was a day where I promised not to even think about him nor even to talk to him ever again. There I was buying some vegetables at a local pasar malam. Honestly, I was searching for him in big crowds (i'm not surprised myself) "Mmm, I wonder if he's here", "What would it be like", I said to myself. Then, he was in front of me there were big crowds so I hid myself behind my mother. But my mother wanted to look through some fruits and was standing just right next to him. I didn't say hi, I couldn't. I thought he would noticed. But that would be a miracle if he did. On that day I cried like a helpless person begging god to take my feelings for him with Him. I never felt so broken. I asked myself "If this feeling is from god, Himself then why does it hurt?", and also to my friends as well. I wanted to send these "hey I think I saw you just now", messages to him. With my shaking hands, teary eye and heart scattered into pieces I pressed send. He said he did noticed me as well but it was just a glimpse and he apologized for not being alert. I promised my friends that I would never talk about him again, I kept my promise and only talk to myself about it.
Saying words like "You will eventually be fine", "You are stronger than this!", "Stop, stop keep yourself busy", are the only thing that can make myself feel better. I, myself is making me feel better. I promised, I don't want to break them. I don't want to be a burden to everyone for such a petty problem. I don't find it a problem but for me to whine for me to get sad over him and telling my friends about it when
they have bigger things to be taken care of made me feel as if it's a petty problem to be thinking about.
I pretty much don't have anything to talk about on
June, July and October.
Let's just fast forward to november. It has been a week since november started. How is it? To be frank, I never felt this hurt over the past 17 years of living. My dad is hospitalized. It's funny when I thought he was going to send me to school on my first day of spm and say things like "Buat betul betul paper tu", "Harini habis pukul berapa?", (when I told him for about like the 10th time already). It is nothing serious, alhamdulillah but he was always healthy. Like no bacteria would ever hurt him. He was my kind of superhero but this time he got hurt really bad. Then it hit me the fact that my dad is getting old. I see him every day but it never occur me that my dad is getting old. He gets tired easily, he gets sleepy easily and he lost so much weight. I do know that he ages but it was unexpected. To see others on the range of my dad's age getting hospitalized made me
scared. I mean he could leave me one day and he does I don't want to experience the feeling. When my cousin died seeing his body on a mattress with a white clothing wrapped around him was the most indescribable feeling ever. Every time I look at my parents' face I keep imagining what would it look like when they are lying wrapped in white clothing, closing their eyes and not reacting to what's going on. It is such a scary thing I don't want it to happen I
want them to stay with me, watch me grow and watch me be successful. All I want him is to be as healthy as he was before. My parents' health matters so much. If I could give my health to make them more healthier I would but I couldn't. If I could give everything to them I would if I were to sacrifice my life for them I would. I just hope that things will be
better soon. Just like how they used to be. Just us seven laughing over everything and laughing over my stupidity. Wouldn't that be perfect. Just us seven.
Pretty much to wrap it all up. Things are getting
worse each day. 2015 it's not my year.... I hate this
year. I hate it so much and how I wish it would end faster.
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