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Monster and Ernie, 2009

Assalamualaikum and hello there, well it's been a long time i did not update anything. Okay let's start, so it's been 5 weeks of school oh and it's February yeah, it's been two months well i got 9 more months to go. Yes i'm counting hehe, it's two months i haven't seen him, yes i do miss him. This is so pathetic, i know. I just don't know how. Sometimes i feel sad like for myself for doing this, I feel stupid, well sacrificing for someone that doesn't even love me, Yes that's stupid

I'm not me anymore, well i do feel better lately but i feel i'm not me. Get it? look, i feel i'm defending myself for a stupid thing like this situation well i'm not blaming anyone okay. But this is kinda stupid of me doing this. It's just like i'm a police and i'm letting go a prisoner that kills millions of innocent people. I'm not saying my crush is killer, idiot. It's just like the same situation if i let him go the consequences? Well for the police of course he will be punish or anything me, i don't know. Suffer probably. Yeah..

But it's choice i'm growing up there's no time to make mistakes i have to move on. What if, i see him marrying his girlfriend and i feel sad and y'know. I might kill myself or something eat pills, always be in the hospital. I feel like this is a stupid thing, but i fall for him there's a lot of guys out there why him, he's someone's. I don't know why. I hate myself so much. I'm trying but this trying thingy is ruining me. I tried to like someone else but i can't my love for him i think it won't fade away. Like Farhah said "You said like it is a easy thing but your heart will never let him go" I tried.

I'm tired of this, everything. I'm not blaming god to put me in this situation it is my fate. I have to bear it. I love him and now i must pay the consequences. It was my fault always my fault. Well i try to forget him but every time i try i look at the sky, trees, roads. I gazed about him and i know i cannot let him go. I'm sorry that your like my prisoner in my heart. My love for you can't be free i want it to be free, i want to feel the wind inside me. I don't feel free. I'm just, i feel so *sigh*

I can seriously say, i do miss him i really do. But he doesn't belong to me, i'm not gonna ruin everything that he have now. I want him to be happy, screw my pain at least i can see someone i love is happy. I do mind, but i cannot do this, it's just sick. I hate myself so much. I'm not saying that i hate falling for him, but i do love him but why someone else's boyfriend why. I feel so guilty, so guilty. I really didn't meant to like him, i really didn't meant to i'm sorry.

"Forgive me, i just can't live without you. Forgive me"

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