Pain

"Try to screw up and see who will stay"

Assalamualaikum and hello there, so this month is kinda hard well theres a lot of crying. For me lah. So here it goes first world problems. I'm not trying to offend anyone but it's true. First of all i'm sorry, if my harsh words. Okay so here it goes.

People come and go yeap that's right and i tried to be a good friend well maybe forever isn't like we used to promised. Maybe it's my mistake who knows. But your part of my life, i can't stand fighting. Well some of my friends, friend with me just to took care of my heart or maybe was forced too. That's what the situation right now. Actually it is nothing to do with my best friend nothing. People, friends? When i screw things up nobody's stays. I'm not kidding you.

I'm not blaming anyone but this is true. I'm tired of this drama, i feel left out sometimes, well i was never perfect in their eyes. I was never. Well maybe i'm to selfish, well i'm sorry. I'm sorry that i'm such a bitchy person that thinks about myself, but if everybody leaves than who is my real friend? Who? I just can't do this anymore. Satu satu datang. I mean why me? Maybe i deserve it. I never deserve to be happy. Whenever i'm happy there's always problems comes ahead. But i'm not blaming god to put this situation to me.

But don't you guys ever feel like me? I know i'm not the only one. I can feel that people is drifting away from me, avoiding me. Starting to forget about me. I'm sorry that Syafiqah is so not perfect. Syafiqah, is a bitch, whore well mock me maybe i deserve it. "Kau mati je lebih baik" yes maybe i deserve to die,  "Kau lebih baik takyah lahir dalam dunia ni" yes maybe that also. But i never regret to have a life like this but maybe theres always problems. Enough with my family problems well it is apparently bigger than yours.

But this, well maybe i wasn't deserve to LIVE. Well if you want me to DIE right? Okay i'll do a suicide and then you'll be happy right? But i was never want to be like this. And again this is nothing to do with my best friend. But this is just my thoughts. Maybe people thinks this way to me. Maybe. Well i think some of them pretend, forced to befriend with me. Well if there is, stop it. Stop pretending, there's no used. When i know the truth it's killing me. Killing me inside out. Why didn't you just say it to my face? Just say it maybe i deserve it.

Well problems will never stay away from me. You should be great full problems were never close to you. I can feel like growing up wasn't easy like i expected before. I can see it now. How i wish i can stay being a kid forever. Or maybe die? Yes i hope so. Maybe when you get sick or dead then people will start to notice your existence, or maybe the don't care at all. Yup i can see that people never cared about my existence. I can see that. Well maybe i should just stop saying that they like me or something they will never will.

Pain and tears is my companion these days, happiness? Well i think were not best friends anymore. Maybe were enemies. When can i feel happiness in my life. Well i want to do something that's worth it. Someone that worth fighting for. Nobody can understand me what i'm feeling now. I can feel that in each day my relationship as a friend with my best friend is falling apart, drifting apart. I can feel something is wrong. Well maybe it is just me. It will always be me.

"When someone you care about leaves you, they're never really gone. They stay in your heart and in your memories"

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